My brain Dump Part Two

Posted on by
Reply

If you haven’t read Part 1, I’d suggest doing that first. Not only will it give you some context, but it will help you to understand that this is the culmination of a virtual brain dump; some things might be useful, others you’ll wish never existed… kind of like Star Wars: Episode 1 and 2.

And who would have thought that a picture of Justin Beiber’s head superimposed on Jar Jar Binks’ body actually existed; that may be the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

Now, without further ado… Part Two of my brain dump.

Admit when you’re wrong.

My wife will tell you that I’ll often make broad, sweeping comments like:

“Everything they do on that show ‘The Biggest Loser’ is just wrong!” or “Everybody should be eating clean. You can ONLY eat it if it has a face, or you can grow it!”

(Admittedly, the last one I’ve never said, but it’s a common catch cry of the paleo-tart.)

Eventually, once she’s done screaming at me, I back down from my original opinion and form a more specific, refined one that she solemnly nods her head to.

The fitness industry is filled with people who NEED to be right. And they will fight tooth and nail, even in the face of insurmountable counter-evidence, to prove their point.

Supplements aren’t everything (but they sure as hell help)

Under ideal circumstances, I’d love to get all my protein and carbohydrates from whole, natural foods- all 370 grams of protein and 370 grams of carbohydrates.

Whilst I’m not sure about you, I don’t think I can eat 9 chicken breasts and 7 cups of rice each day to fill up those energy requirements.  And I can think of nothing worse than eating 2 chicken breasts and a cup of rice before heading in to do an intensive legs session.

That’s where supplements come in. They won’t fix your arthritic fingers, forged during long times of Call of Duty marathons, or help to burn away that family size pizza and tub of Ben and Jerry’s you ate last night- the third cheat meal of the week.

They will help you patch up any holes until your nutrition is as fortified as Helm’s Deep.

Eating clean is overrated

Macros are the best way to measure how you’re doing. If you want to lose weight, or gain, but you haven’t taken the time to sit down, work out your calorie requirements and macro breakdowns, then you aren’t serious.

Sure, you’ve gone from eating nothing but breads, pastas, rices, grains and anything else which has a happy animal on the packaging to living by the paleo-tarts philosophy, all the while depriving you of that last pop-tart that you REALLY want.

Not only is this unnecessary, let’s be honest, you won’t bust a button after one diet slip up, but it’s also psychologically detrimental.

Everyone, from the common desk jockey to the muscle adorned Facebook ‘personalities’ need a rest from perfection every now and then.

As a side note, ‘crap loading’ or the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) strain of thought that leads people to try and eat every possible Pop Tart flavour whilst twisting and contorting their macros into a veritable feast of take away Asian and Ben and Jerry’s are doing themselves a great deal of personal harm.

They’ll feel it later in their lives.

Cycling your diet is for losers.

A common theme amongst the lifting community is the idea of ‘cycling’ their diets. During winter, they’ll cram in as many calories as humanly possible in an attempt to get bigger. Muscle definition isn’t a concern and their six-pack is traded in for a slab.

This is the culmination of weeks, or months, of strict dieting and self-constraint to get ready for those twenty minutes when you’re on stage/ lying on a beach.

And, in the pursuit of that glimmering window of time, most people, especially women, damage their thyroid, LDL and HDL levels, and insulin sensitivity amongst other things.

A real testament to your knowledge is being able to stay in shape all year around. That means cycling your lifting to increase preservation, eating consistently year round, never getting too fat (or too skinny) and never ‘bulk’ or ‘shred’.

And there we have it people, Part Two. If you liked it, please share it, and pass it on. I’ll post up Parts Three and Four later on in this week or early next week.

Until then, peace out!

My Brain Dump Pt 1

Posted on by
Reply

The problem with this word we live in is that, with the influx of information at the tip of our fingers, we can learn about anything from what Kim Kardashian ate for breakfast to the ‘best’ diet for ‘optimal’ health.

It’s easy to become distracted from your noble quest of attaining lifelong health and the sex drive of a newly pubescent boy, minus the acne and social awkwardness, and instead end up looking at pictures of cats pretending they are humans.

Bruce Lee said, “Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.” The problem is, a lot of people don’t know what their ‘own’ is; instead, they get bogged down in the quagmire that is the World Wide Web.

A few truths

After pointlessly searching through countless articles, blog posts and online forums for information that I probably didn’t even need, I’ve come to a few simple truths.

We are not Fred Flintstone

Paleo advocates, henceforth referred to as paleo-tarts, proclaim that before the agricultural revolution man functioned just fine eating nothing but vegetables, proteins and some fruits.

However, our nutritional demands have changed since then. When you show me a picture of a caveman doing something as metabolically challenging as a strength training session, then I’ll concede that people who lift should live the same anthropic way.

On a side note- a common understanding of paleo eating implies that if you can grow it, or it has a face, you can eat it. Years ago this led to an interesting conversation with some friends regarding a paleo-tarts view on cannibalism.

If you are lifting heavy, you need carbohydrates

Carbohydrates are the building blocks of muscle. They help with recovery, anabolism and to regulate thyroid levels.

Heavy, or hard, training minus carbs can lead to a ‘soft’ look, stalled muscle growth and the inability to get it up.  And really, what’s the point of all that lifting if you aren’t *ahem* performing.

Skinny guys need to learn the basics

Last Friday night I stood in the gym, watching three guys take turns at doing barbell trap shrugs.

Great, no issues, a good exercise that serves a purpose.  Good on them for getting after it on a Friday night when most people their age are out getting blind drunk.

However, they were using a 15kg barbell and weighed less than Kate Moss during her cocaine days.

And wearing stringer singlets- but that’s another issue all together.

For a guy, I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t even be bothering with isolation work until you can Bench Press your bodyweight, perform 5 full dead hang Pull Ups, Squat 150% your bodyweight and Deadlift 200% your bodyweight.

For a woman, well, I’ve never seen a woman walk into a gym and head straight for the preacher curl machine…

You are whom you hang out with.

If your friends all revel in booze-fuelled 3am parties, that leave you recounting your night using cryptic words scribbled on your body ala Guy Pearce in Memento, then you’re likely to be doing the same.

There’s no wiggle room here; it’s science.

On the other hand, if your friends are driving themselves to become Adonis’ and Aphrodite’s, then that will motivate you to do the same.

Personally, without the help of my gym posse, I never would have Deadlifted 250% bodyweight or broken the 500lbs marker.

So there are just a few things that have been burning a whole through my mind. If you liked it, please care and share.

I’ll post Part 2 up tomorrow…

Peace out!

Will You Ever Be Happy?

Posted on by
Reply

Hardcoded somewhere deep in our DNA is a need for more.

Despite all the wealth, women, houses, clothes, and possessions that we may accumulate in our lifetime we will never be happy.

There will always be someone who has more- and we will always want what he or she has.

If the day comes when we sit on the Iron Throne, surveying our realm with tired eyes, we’ll watch as a peasant walks by with their child, laughing despite their poverty… and all we’ll want is that.

We shall want until we die

Modern technology has opened our eyes to a world of gadgets we must have, women we must bed, ways we must renovate our houses and, with a click of a mouse, we can order a new wardrobe…

… even if it isn’t wholly necessary.

As a society we have lost sight of what we need and instead, we have become obsessed with what we want.

The lines of want and need have been blurred by our tinted Roberto Cavalli sunglasses.

At the moment my wife and I are debating whether to save for a trip to America next year, or renovate the kitchen.

We would like to do both, and that’s why we buy lottery tickets when the cash jackpots roll up into the tens of millions- because then we can afford the life we’d like.

The overseas holidays, the expensive house with a marble kitchen, the Mercedes SLK would all be ours and then we’d be happy.

Except for the fact that we wouldn’t.

Want brings want.

Chuck Palahniuk said, in Lullaby, “Are these things really better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now?”

From Facebook pages like Boss Hunter to watching Red Carpet celebrity events, we see things that we want.

People that are ‘better’ than us flaunt their wealth, possessions and beauty on our 45’ LED televisions.

We sit in our homes, after a long days work and think that there must be something better.  As a shallow depression seeps in we begin to realise that, for the rest of our days, we shall simply turn our gears, day by day, never having the things we truly ‘want’…

… and all the while forgetting about the great things we have.

The home.
The job.
The family.
The full fridge.

The healthy body.

And we forget about the people who would look at us like the fortunate ones.

Over the course of the next year, my wife and I will go back and forth, trying to decide whether to take the trip, or knock down the kitchen.

Regardless of what one we choose the nature of the beast is that the moment we renovate the kitchen, or land in America, we’ll want something else.

And that’s the conundrum of want.  Want breed’s want, and the more we want, the more dissatisfied we are with what we have.

Unless we learn to live in the now, and be thankful for the things we do have, instead of envious of the things we don’t have.

Are you also Jealous of Leo DiCaprio?

Posted on by
Reply

Leonardo DiCaprio was only good for one thing- dying a painful on screen death.

Growing up, I remember watching as girls swooned over his feathery blonde hair, deep eyes and tortured movie roles.

They’d tear his photo out of TV Hits magazines and paste them over their wall, right next to their posters of Hanson.

New movies starring the prodigal teen caused hysteria leading to hospitalisation amongst teenage girls; in fact, I seem to remember that there was a name for it, Dicaprioitis.

And then there was me, still struggling with acne and desperately attempting to come into my own.

Therefore, it shouldn’t come as any surprise why I cheered after every on-screen death.

Why did I REALLY hate Leo?

Finally, ‘Catch Me If You Can’ came out in 2002; Leonardo was attempting to break free of heartthrob status and become a legitimate actor.

(I never saw Titanic, still haven’t, but I have seen his death at least a hundred times.)

Expecting to hate it on the premise of its star actor, I was shocked to realise that, despite my own prejudices, Leonardo DiCaprio was a surprisingly gifted actor.

So what had changed in the short four of five years?

At the time I was finishing Year 10.  For the first time I was in a serious relationship (re: more than a few weeks), playing on the Year 10A Basketball team and generally enjoying life.

My life wasn’t ‘Cat riding a fire-breathing Unicorn’ awesome but it was still pretty good.

Leonardo had not changed; women still fell at his feet and plastered their walls with his likeness, but it was me that changed.

For the first time, I wasn’t jealous of the attention, popularity, success and women that Leonardo had.

Jealousy is a sign of stagnation

Everybody gets jealous sometimes.

Driving home after watching the first ‘Transformers’ movie, my car’s lack of transforming ability left a hollow pit a despair churning inside of me.

Considering I didn’t have Megan Fox looking under the hood of my transforming car, my life was a failure.

We can take this at face value, transforming cars are awesome and everyone wants one, or we can probe a little deeper, I had hit a point in my life where I felt as if I wasn’t making any forward progress… and here was Sam Witwicky taking Megan Fox home in a transforming Camaro.

You may be jealous because Mark from Accounting got that promotion that you KNOW you deserve and now, while he’s sitting in his new corner office, ‘delegating’ you work you can’t help but sneer and bicker about him behind his back.

Dip deeper though and you’ll find that you aren’t jealous of Mark for getting the job, you’re jealous of Mark because you DIDN’T get the job.

You’re stuck in the same place you were yesterday.

We don’t always get what we work for whilst others get what they don’t deserve, that’s the sad reality of life.

But, when your life becomes stagnant and stale is when you begin to detest others for what they have.

I may never have a transforming car, and neither will buxom supermodels ever stroll in and out of my penthouse hotel room, but I’m not jealous of Leonardo DiCaprio anymore.

My life is constantly progressing, and I’m too concerned with what I’m doing to make my life better to worry about what Leonardo has.

And, if you focused more on yourself and how to make your life better, and less on what others have, you’ll find that you’ll no longer be jealous of Mark from Accounting for stealing your promotion.

Does your life suck?

Posted on by
Reply

 

The undeniable dirty little secret about life is that sometimes it just plain sucks.

As I type this, I’m staring down the barrel of a 13 hour day; the typical 8 hours culminating in an additional 5 hours of Parent-Teacher interviews.

Eventually, when 9pm finally hits my throat will be hoarse, my ears ringing with the sound of my own voice and my head throbbing from the frenetic pace and intensity of the night.

All I’ll want to do is sleep- or watch New Girl if it’s on because who doesn’t love watching the witty banter between Jess and Grumpy Cat himself, Nick?

But it could be worse.

At least at the end of the night I get to go home to a quite house- save for two hungry cats- and can mentally ‘switch off’.

There are no bills to pay, children to feed, work to be done and no 6am start the next day.  In fact, tomorrow’s a public holiday.

Certainly there are colleagues of mine who will go home to hungry children, dirty dishes and mounds of laundry.

 

They really are treasures, aren’t they.

Therefore, who am I to complain- it could always be worse.

And for those colleagues who do go home to dirty bedrooms, angry children or even a lonely place of forced solitude, at least they have a home to go back to.

Hell, at least they have a job and a house to live in.  Their food is purchased from supermarkets and they aren’t spinning inventive sides on Melbourne sidewalks, trying desperately to separate businessmen from their hard earned coin.

Sure, until we are six feet under life could always be worse but every time you use that expression another person joins the Crossfit cult.

Tear off the Band-Aid

I used to always hate having to remove Band-Aids.  Maybe it has something to do with me being a bit of a wuss, or maybe it’s because I’m hairier than some gorillas.

Either way, whenever it came time to tear off a Band-Aid my mom would tell me not to look and tear it off, hair, scab and all.

At the time it felt like I’d taken a Kamehameha to the injured limb but, shortly afterwards the pain would fade.

Every time some one says, “it could be worse” it’s them failing to rip of the bandage and acknowledge that maybe their life, or the predicament they are currently in, sucks.

It’s them living in a world were Kim Kardashian Sketcher shoes actually toned women’s posteriors world wide and Anakin, Luka and Leia sat down for a Father’s day luncheon.

It’s them failing to realise that without the hardships in our life, those times that downright suck, we wouldn’t know how to appreciate the good times and spur ourselves forwards unto greatness.

And even if you move from suckiness to suckiness, failing to deal and learn how to cope by simply saying, “well, it could be worse” will intensify every other negative thing that follows.

Does your life suck? Then accept it and move on.

Robert Frost said, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve every learnt about life: it goes on.”

And that’s the truth.

No matter what happens in your life, unless you end up kicking the bucket and buying the farm in the sky, life will go on.

You’ll wake up the next day and have to deal with a whole host of other problem because life is pretty malevolent that way.

Tomorrow morning I’ll wake up tired, sore and headachy.  I won’t want to move from bed but I will; there are still chores for me to do and jobs to be done.  Yeah sure, tonight will be frenetic, intense and maybe sometimes painful but I won’t say “it could be worse”, I’ll simply deal with it, move on, and start a new day tomorrow.

If you keep telling yourself it could be worse, it probably will be.

Is Pilates Worth It? The Answer is NO! (For Most People)

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve drunken the Kool-Aid and sipped from the Goblet of the Holy Grail. I’ve experienced the ups and downs of crunching, raising, planking and Swanning.  I’ve done the hundred, the Rainbow, rolled around like a ball and the Cat, which was where I gave up, lied down and fell asleep.

I’ve felt my abs contract and my muscles ‘lengthen’ whilst moving into positions that should be reserved for limber girls on the Internet only. But, despite all of this, I still can’t bring myself to recommend Pilates to anybody who seriously wants to get fit and strong.

Who else has heard the expression ‘long, lean and toned muscles’?  Thanks to Danoz Direct and the Ab King Pro most people have.  However, this phrase is also batted around with careless abandonment in reference to Pilates.

What woman doesn’t want ‘long, lean and toned muscles’?  After all, everyone knows that heavy weight training turns women into men and instantly makes them develop an Adam’s apple.

The only problem with this though is that, when you stop and think about it, having ‘long and lean muscles’ is the dumbest expression ever.  If it was possible to lengthen your muscles we would all be walking around like Gumby- and women would no longer need men to reach things on the top shelf.

Next, toned muscles are simply the product of having a low percentage of body fat.  Subsequently, this allows the muscle definition to show.

Most women that regularly do Pilates fail to properly challenge or push themselves, instead believing that the just rocking up to the class twice a week, squeezing their arses and constantly contracting their abs should guarantee them results.

They are content to abide by the instructors programming, regardless of whether or not they get their heart rate up, and then they go out for low fat super Acai smoothies and bitch about how Suzy just got Botox and how awful it looks.

Then, six months from the day they started twisting their bodies they ask someone like me why they still aren’t losing weight.

You politely explain to them that they’ve probably hit their peak in Pilates classes and, if they want to continue to progress, they need to start lifting heavy weights.  Despite your insistence though, they tell you they aren’t too comfortable and instead settle for signing up for a pump class.

About this time last year my wife insisted I go to a Pilates class with her.

I reluctantly dragged myself from the weights room and into the small studio with a bunch of middle aged woman and an a few younger women looking for that sexy ‘long and lean’ look.  Midway through the session, the instructor demonstrated a move that she could barely do.

She crossed her legs, extended her arms out underneath her and pushed herself upwards, tensing her core.  She challenged everyone to do it but, as expected, nobody in the room even came close… well that is until my wife looked at me easily performing the advanced manoeuvre in my first Pilates session in well over a year and a half.

Why was I able to do something the instructor could barely do?  Ever wonder how much core strength max effort deadlifts and squats require, or how much upper body strength pull-ups and overhead presses develop?  More than enough to execute a Pilates move with little more than a whimper of effort.

The last thing I want to do is poo-poo anything that gets people off the couch and moving and Pilates can help people for a myriad of different reasons.

Pilates’ exercises are crucial for even the most ardent weight lifter.  Despite a lifetime under the bar most men and women don’t know how to activate their glutes, or how to breath properly during a heavy set of chin-ups- skills regularly taught in Pilates’ classes.

Others enjoy the social aspect and some do still find it challenging and find that attending a class is the only way they can motivate themselves to hit the gym.

When I attended classes I found that it helped me learn how to breathe effectively, which transferred over to better performance in the weights room.  I found that my core strength and muscle awareness increased and I enjoyed the relaxing aspect to it all- Pilates was great as an active recovery session.

However, if you are serious about losing weight, shaping up and growing a bodacious booty and tight core, then Pilates just won’t cut it.


Instead, start lifting heavy 3-4 times a week, run a few hill sprints, step outside of your comfort zone and, if you absolutely must still attend a Pilates class, use it as a recovery session instead, not a workout…

… Regardless of what the ‘guru’ or instructor taking the class tells you.

 

 

Eight Ways to Get Your Woman To Train With You

Posted on by
Reply

Women have a perception that they must be dainty, pale-faced bastions of femininity with waif like waists and the traits of a domestic goddess.

Thankfully, from these sheep like women, flocking like sheep to the latest super food from an ancient part of the world or the newest exercise craze (High Heels Aerobic classes anyone?), a few lions have emerged.

The Girls Gone Strong crew define what it is to be strong AND sexy.

These are women who aren’t afraid to show the world that being able to squat your bodyweight, or deadlift double it, isn’t manly but rather helps to accentuate your curves.

These lions use chains, bands and weighted vests with pride and purpose.

You’ve been training for what seems like a lifetime, and now you want to get your woman fit.  You want to steer her away from the African Mango Super food diet and transform her into a lion.

But how do you do it?  Here are eight easy ways to help your woman realise her potential.

1. Listen to them.

Sure you may want to pack on 10 pounds of lean muscle mass, lose your neck and get swole.  However, your better half probably enjoys her neck and would rather become lean and toned.  Of course, still encourage them to lift heavy weights and run hills, but make sure you explain that lifting heavy is the best way to become bootylicious.

Simply shouting, “lightweight baby, it’s peanuts” over and over again when she’s concerned about lifting heavy probably won’t provide the right type of motivation.

2. Know what you are doing.

There is a young man who walks around the gym wearing a ‘Beast Mode ON’ t-shirt.  He squats using the Smith Machine whilst wearing a weight belt- all for a beastly 50 kilos.  The worst part though, is that he often instructs his girlfriend on how to ‘squat’.

If you are wearing one of these AND squatting on the Smith Machine you clearly don’t know what you are doing.

Another guy was demonstrating how to deadlift.  His girlfriend was complaining of back pain and he replied with, “well you’re doing it right.  Just ignore it.”

If you don’t know what you are doing, and let’s face it, most people don’t, learn your stuff before you go ruining your spouses body as well with poor technique and too much weight.

3. Stop staring at her arse.

All of us guys know that squats do a booty good.  When women start up at the gym, they initially feel insecure about performing squats, deadlifts, good mornings and any other movement that may simulate something done in private (Hip Thrusts anyone?).

Unfortunately, you can pretty much guarantee that at least a handful of guys are checking out your woman as she squats more weight than them.  The last thing she needs is someone else making her feel insecure.

Unfortunately there are already a number of douches in the gym… your woman doesn’t need another one standing next to her.

Instead, try complimenting her on her technique, her weight or even her choice of workout music.  When you get home, that’s when you give her a wink and nudge and compliment her on her more defined booty.

4. Don’t stare at other people’s arses.

You and I both know that a big, strong booty simply means a strong posterior chain but your woman may not be so forgiving.

You (hopefully) wouldn’t check out other women when you go out for dinner, to the movies or the park, and the gym should be no different.

Plus, it’s just creepy.

5. Remember that you are a team.

Sometimes it can be a pain in the arse.  Waiting for your woman, motivating them, mixing their protein shakes and listening to them complaining and begging you to let them go to a Pilates class instead can become tedious at best.

But, remember, when you get her going, training hard and lifting heavy, you become a team.  They are your ultimate training partner, the one that you live with and see everyday.  And, through getting her fit and healthy, from having a woman who is more energetic, fitter and happier, you also benefit.

Plus, I’ve hit some of my best PR’s with my wife watching.  After all, we all have that caveman part inside of us- the one that wants to show our woman that we are the dominant one in the iron room.

6. Don’t be useless around the house.

Unless you are in an old school ‘woman is at home, man is at work’ type relationship, I’ll assume your woman also works full-time.

For some reason, most men expect their woman to train with them, clean the house, work, cook, raise any possible children and know how to balance a credit card.

We don’t live in the dark ages anymore.  If you want your woman to train with you, then man up, learn how to cook, clean and share the household duties otherwise yes, she will be too busy/tired to max out on squats with you… no matter how loudly you scream ‘you got this brah’ at her.

7. If she has to train alone, make sure her program is accessible.

Some, not all, women are uncomfortable with entering the weights room.  They feel intimidated by the grunting Neanderthals bench pressing, curling and, well bench pressing.

We all know training legs is for suckers.

If you are writing a program for your misses, and she isn’t comfortable setting up a squat rack design a program for her that means she can linger in the dumbbell zone or even machine area when you aren’t there.

At least this means she’ll steer clear of the cardio room and group fitness area.

8. Explain why everything else is bullocks.

The caveat to this point is that you must first know what you are doing.  If you’ve ever told your woman that squatting heavy is bad for your knees you don’t deserve to have a woman.

It is imperative and important to explain to your woman why the Acai Super food diet doesn’t work, or why, despite what she saw on Facebook, overhead squatting on a kettle bell is a bad idea.

Not only will this help steer her clear of ridiculous trends perpetuated by the media but it could also motivate her listen to you more and train harder.

Informing her and educating her is a sure fire way to make sure that she sees the light and, unlike the other sheep, learns to roar like a lion.

Dating profile of a Fitness Nerd.

Posted on by
Reply
Ever wonder what makes a good boyfriend?  Trust, honesty, faithfulness, or is it just the ability to do the washing without turning everything pink?
Wrong!  It’s all of those things and more… the perfect boyfriend is in fact a Fitness nerd.  Why?  Here are ten good reasons why you should hit the gym and find yourself a Fitness nerd TODAY!
  • We know how to cook.

Gone are the days of eating nothing but steamed broccoli and grilled chicken breasts.  This is the renaissance of healthy cooking that is infused with protein powders and healthy fats.

Fitness nerds know what to eat, when to eat it and how much of it to eat for maximal anabolism and weight loss.

Also, a man isn’t a man unless he can cook a good steak and a good piece of salmon… Fitness nerds can do both.

  • You can parade our muscles around.

It’s a sad reality but it’s true.  Fitness nerds train to refine our bodies so that they are as strong and ironclad as our minds.

One (un) fortunate side effect of this is having big arms, a wide back and tree trunks for legs.

So yes, next time we are out with you we both know you are enjoying the way our clothes sit on us and the way your friends are looking at you and us… and that you love the fact you get to take us home even more.

  • You won’t have to worry about getting drunken calls at 3am in the morning asking to pick us up.

Alcohol ruins your gains.  And nobody wants to sit out Sundays back workout because they are still nursing a hangover.

Instead, we know how to have fun without feeling as if a Chest Burster will explode from us the morning after.

  • Organisation is our forte.

Ever tried working full time, juggling social and family commitments, preparing meals and working out?

Fitness nerds understand how to effectively use time.  We have our meals, workouts, social commitments, injuries and illnesses all catalogued and colour co-ordinated a month in advance.

Our organisation skills are eerily brilliantly, reminiscent of John Nash.

  • Unlike most men, we can still see our feet… and our manhood.

According to recent British survey of 1000 men between the ages of 35-60, 30% of men cannot see their penises due to their protruding guts brought on through bad diet, nights drinking, stress and sedentary lifestyle habits.

These types of protruding bellies normally lead to: metabolic syndrome, erectile dysfunction, cardiovascular disease, and Type 2 diabetes.

Fitness nerds can still their feet and, ahem, have no problems chopping wood at any time of the day.

Well, unless it’s pre-workout, then NOTHING gets in our way of lifting.

  • We enjoy reading and believe education isn’t only taught in schools.

Despite what Planet Fitness professes in their ads, muscular men and women are not vacuous individuals eerily reminiscent of cavemen.

Instead, we tend to enjoy reading books on philosophy, art, cooking, physiology, psychology, life hacking, marketing, history and yes, if it has Arnold’s name on it, it’s in our collection.

One thing you will notice is that Fitness Nerds don’t need to be traditionally educated in a big box university.  Some of the best ones failed university, or even high school, and have still revolutionised the way we exercise, move and eat.

So while we bust out poses for your friends, we can also philosophically wax on the musings of our technologically derived society and its effect on the current generation of kids- or discuss Game of Thrones if that’s what you’re into.

  • Your friends will love telling us about their diets and exercise programs.

Bruce Wayne was only really looking for a weight loss cure- too bad he wasn’t dating a personal trainer.

Everyone invariably wants to know how to lose weight, gain muscle or if the doctor on the morning show was right and eggs will turn your arteries into concrete whilst if the root of an ancient tribal herb found in the Himalayas and harvested by a tribe of blind lost Monks will cause weight loss.

When your friends find out we are a Fitness nerd, they’ll quiz us on how to: reduce their ab fat, pack on muscle, eat properly, cut out sugar, train for a marathon, tone up, and the list goes on.

Don’t worry, we don’t mind the questions- in fact, we enjoy helping people out.

  • Fitness nerds are normally level headed and rational.

We enjoy lifting, lifting relaxes us and, much like Happy Gilmore, know how to go to our ‘happy place’.

Staying centered, calm and a sion of peace and tranquility in the storm of life is what we do best.

  • Have a jar you need opened?  Or a couch you need moved?  We’re your man.

Seriously, sometimes I think this is the only reason my wife keeps me around- oh, and also to reach the top shelf.

Yet another reason to date a fitness nerd.

  • Lastly, fitness nerds will help you be your best version of yourself.

Fitness nerds strive to fully realise who they are, and what they are capable (both physically and mentally) of.

That’s not the best thing though.  We enjoy helping people, you are the most important person to us, therefore, if my university philosophy classes taught me anything about arguing, helping you become the best version of yourself is something we enjoy.

Especially when we see that big smile on your face when you look in the mirror and see the changes.

So what are you waiting for?  Go find your own Fitness nerd today!

What will be your legacy?

Posted on by
Reply

It’s 35 degrees in Melbourne and I’m sitting on the couch questioning my mortality.

And not just because I feel like I’m being slow cooked alive.

Why do we endure and struggle through life’s daily battles, only to be forgotten after we are gone?  How come we don’t just throw caution to the wind and learn how to skydive, parachute, deep-sea dive, travel or do anything else that is on our bucket list?  Instead of doing the things we love, we meander through our daily existence, eyes half closed and wondering if anybody will remember us when we are gone.

Some people bear the brunt of the rat race because it’s all they know.  Others simply hope their memory will linger in the minds of children and grandchildren, before finally becoming a whisper in the night.  However, more aspirational others dream bigger; they shoot for the stars and apply single-minded focus and a ‘tear your heart out’ competitive spirit to everything they do.

Their legacy will be their accumulative body of work.

Trying to leave a legacy, whether it’s through publicly acknowledged accomplishments or the children you leave behind can drive a person to depression, anxiety and the bottle.

It can leave you wondering what YOUR legacy will be. Will anybody remember you once you are gone or, like those embedded in the rat race of life, will your 9-5 existence be stamped out when Death comes calling?

Unfortunately for so many living in the technologically driven 21st century, their only proof of existence once they are gone may be their still active Facebook profile.

Unless we change how we think, unless we erase from our minds the necessary need to leave a legacy or a lasting footprint on the history books.  Instead, we must focus on being present in the moment and absorbing the world around us.

Take five minutes each day, twice if you have time, and meditate or at least turn off your electronic devices and focus on your breathing.  Listen to the world around you, the sounds of your breathing and your heart beating in your chest.  Draw inwards so that you can look outwards with greater clarity.

(Wow that was surprisingly profound.)

Regularly lift heavy and with fervour.  Ever tried deadlifting double your bodyweight for reps?  If you have, then you’d agree that, when lifting heavy, you are intimately aware of every move, breath and twitch of your body.

You don’t care about what people will say about you when you are pushing daisies- you just want to lift the damned weight.

Find your passion and pursue it.  There is nothing more woeful than a person without a passion.  Whether it is travel or crocheting, if you love it, do it.  Don’t let other people take your passion away from you by making your choices for you.

good-point-10

Learn how to cook properly and well.  Two-minute noodles don’t count- even if I once worked with a mate who screwed them up.  Steak, salmon, potatoes, vegetables and one or two nice desserts are a must.  You don’t need to be Jamie Oliver, incessantly shouting everything you do whilst buzzing around like a rabbit on DMAA and Red Bull.

Cooking, and getting into the flow, will embed you in the present, removing doubts about the future and your legacy.

Just remember to clean as you go- otherwise the only thing you’ll see afterwards is a mound of dishes.

There is one thing all four of these examples have in common.  They all involve getting into the flow (which I’ll blog about in greater detail later)- that mythical, mystical place where you feel as if you can’t be wrong.

Others know it as the zone, and the more time you spend in it, the less time you’ll spend worrying about your legacy and mortality.

Even if it is 35 degrees outside and your being par-boiled in the shower.

 

 

The Only Real Standards

Posted on by
Reply

The only real standards

With only a click of a mouse and the whimsical chime of Google Chrome your average Internet dweller can find anything from the very first food George Clooney ate to the projected date of the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Today, perusing the perilous world of Facebook, a new set of female strength standards popped up on my feed from Adam Farrah.

They read something as follows:

Squat- 100kg to 125kg
Bench Press- 75kg to 95kg
Deadlift- 125kg to 160kg

And were based on the male strength standards of:

Squat- 180kg
Bench Press- 135kg
Deadlift- 225kg.

After reiterating these standards on my Facebook feed they were met with certain loathing ire due to the ‘unrealistic standards’.

Maybe asking a woman (or man) to fulfil these numbers is the weight training equivalent of expecting your woman to get breast or butt implants to look more like Beyoncé or Katie Price.

Highly respected coach Dan John has his own strength standards as well.

Once again, they aren’t for the feint of heart and, before you look at them, please make sure you are sitting down.  If you don’t have the intestinal fortitude to click on the link, let me give you the cliff notes…

… He expects nearly as much as Adam Farrah, although Dan John’s standards are at least normalised into BW measurements.

Of course, this led to the discovery of another set of standards from Rippetoe, Pendlay and Kilgore- standards that have been trialled, tested and categorised based on experience level.

Whilst Rippetoe, Pendlay and Kilgore’s standards are probably the most in-depth and reasonable, I’d contend that there is an even better way to measure your strength, progress and levels of mega coolness.

HOW TO REALLY MEASURE YOURSELF

Training journals

Two words, no tricks, no “OMG I feel like my lower spleen is going to explode from my glutes but I still need to add 30kg to the bar to be deemed strong” moments.

Having someone tell you what you should be able to push, pull or squat is beneficial.  These are the same standards used by elite coaches to determine the conditioning level of their elite or pro athletes.

If you can hit the numbers, crack a cold one, kick back and don’t forget to brag about it on Facebook- otherwise it didn’t happen!

But, if you can’t hit Dan John, Adam Farrah or Rippetoe, Pendlay and Kilgore’s numbers do not despair, do not crack a cold one, lean forward and post a depressive ‘woe is me’ rant on Facebook.

Keeping a training journal allows for reflection, introspection and even some competition against past and future you.

Every time I squat I have imaginary conversations with past and future me:

“Hey past JP, get a load of this!  You pulled 200kg last week, watch me pull 220kg this week.  Future JP, I dare you to beat that!”

All numbers aside, all ‘global strength standards’ discarded- regardless of who set them- that is real progress, and the only numbers that truly matter are the ones in your training journal.

Make sure YOUR numbers keep climbing and make ensure you keep getting stronger, bigger, faster and more bodaciously bootylicious than you were yesterday, last week and so on.

And that is the only real strength standard that matters.